Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
