I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
