If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize