This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
