Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
