last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
