just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
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