I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
