Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
