Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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