If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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