My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
