i jhust puked up my retainher.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
