Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
