all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
