So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
