We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
