she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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