mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
This toilet bowl is my home.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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