At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
