I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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