i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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