My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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