Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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