can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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