when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
