There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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