god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
