I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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