she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
