I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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