i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
