I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Shame - the story of my life.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
