it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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