I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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