my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
