I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
