I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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