come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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