Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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