Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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