You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
