please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
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