You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
