I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
