just come out here and I will go home with you...
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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