Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
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Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
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I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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