I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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