Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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