He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
