Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
