this boner is exhausting
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
