You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
