do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
