dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
