a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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