clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
