apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
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Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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