Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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